Saturday, May 9, 2009

I remember Momma

This time of year is very hard for me. My mom died almost 20 years ago. Her wake was on Mother's Day so the two events are inextricably linked in my mind. Some years are harder than others. This year seems to be especially hard.

My mom was not an emotional, touchy-feely mom, free with hugs and kisses. She rarely, if ever, said "I love you". She certainly never said she was proud of me. She showed her love by doing things for us. I never understood for many years that when she made home-made bread, she was saying "I love you".

We were not on good terms when she died so with her died the possibility of reconciliation, forgiveness and to know for certain she loved me or at least liked me. She never forgave me for getting pregnant at an unwed nineteen. When I was pregnant, she was embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with me. She wouldn't go to church with me.

There are many things that I learned from my mom, good and bad, that I have adopted as a mother myself. I've tried to make holidays and birthdays special. I always decorated the house on holidays. But I've been free with my hugs and kisses. My daughter knows down to the marrow of her bones that I love her and am proud of her and consider her the best gift from God. She also knows to never leave someone with angry words or hurt feelings because you never know if that is the last time you will see her.

I've been wondering a lot this year what it would be like if my mom were still alive. I have been praying that she has finally forgiven me. I've been praying for her soul. I've been trying to remember the good things and forget and forgive the bad. I also wish her intercession so that I will be a good mother and change the things I need to change.

For anyone who still has their mother, please, appreciate that you still have her with you. Forgive her if she's hurt you and pray for her.

Happy Mother's day to you!

1 comment:

Charlotte said...

Thanks for sharing this.