Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I. Don't. WANNA!

Somehow I have regressed to being a snotty, rebellious three year old kid who doesn't want to do what is good for her. I've been whining and mentally stamping my foot with each word: I (stamp) Don't (stamp) Wanna! (stomp, stomp, stomp). In my book a stomp is a bigger and more obnoxious sound than a stamp.

I am having serious trouble with lent this year. I feel angry and rebellious. I don't want to give up anything. I've contemplated doing nothing. I have never in my life done nothing for lent. I've rationalized, is there any merit to it if I just go through the motions? I don't want to give up Coke. It is the real thing, you know. But it isn't really. Christ is the Real Thing. Do I really want to face Him and say, "yeah, You weren't worth giving up pop for forty day, nevermind the sacrifices and suffering you endured for me".

While my brain seems to get the point of lent the irrational part has staged a coup and refuses to cooperate. I haven't broken down yet. My poor guardian angel must be working overtime.

Please offer a couple prayers that I get over it.


Charlotte said...

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with doing nothing for Lent. I have had years like that, and quite frankly, those Lents gave me great time for reflection on the subject and helped me make decisions about how I did and did not want to handle future Lents. Honestly, I think it is NOT a good idea to do (or not do) things for Lent if your heart isn't in it. Would you marry someone if your heart wasn't in it? Would you go up to communion if your heart wasn't in it? No. So don't do it if you don't believe you are truly invested in it. The Church does NOT require it; it simply asks us to consider it for our own spiritual good. Normally, I don't take a "soft" approach to things like this, but since I've been there, I understand. There may be much more spiritual good in doing nothing at all as concerns the future.

Entropy said...

Fwiw, I agree with Charlotte.

You've been through a lot lately and it's probably a good idea to take a step back. It's not that you should ignore that it's Lent but maybe you're being called to pray more instead of give something up.

Bearing Blog had this post asking if giving up coke or chocolate was really the best focus and instead should we ask -- what vice would I like to eliminate? what virtue encourage? etc. --

I've found myself getting into a rut in my spiritual life. It's when I start to think of God in ways other than who He is. "He's punishing me" and those sorts of thoughts. What I've always found (later) is that those were times when He was pouring grace onto me and I didn't even notice. I didnt stop and think or listen.

This sounds like a lecture, sorry. All I'm trying to say is, maybe this year your Lenten sacrifice could be to pray and listen to Him more. And that would be ok. You could even do it while drinking a coke! :) Don't beat yourslef up for being in a grumpy/bratty mood.

Entropy said...

yourself, even.